Dead when your alive.

Does anyone get the feeling that they are already dead, just trapped in a working, breathing body, but lifeless in the heart and soul?

People must not believe me when I say that I feel like I am already dead. They see me walking, and talking, sometimes they will see me smiling and they think that because my body is completing those actions I am alive. But I don’t feel alive, I feel like I’m just existing. Like im wasting the air that I breathe and the body that I live in. I was thinking today about everyone that’s fighting a terminal illness right now and I just wish I could swap places with them. I wish I could give them my body to enjoy and I could take their loss of life.

People say it will get better, but it’s easy to feel like it’s already too late. I feel like the place that you go when you leave this world, it’s pulling me in. Day by Day that little bit closer. I try to think about my little boy, and that he needs me to be here to raise him and then I think about the little baby that I lost, there all alone, without a mummy or a daddy, without anyone that knows her or him because I was the closest person that they ever had. I have two babies and they are both in different worlds. I don’t want to leave either of them and I feel pained every single time I think about this. I am so very lost.

I have listened to this song since I was about 11, I always related it to what I went through even though it talks more about physical abuse. Each time I listen to I feel closer to becoming a concrete angel. https://youtu.be/KtNYA4pAGjI

Until next time.