Now I’m frustrated and I need to vent it somewhere.
It pains me that I have lost so many good things in my life to this illness, that I have not allowed myself to enjoy the good moments and that I have suffered endless nights of crying myself to sleep. I have spent my teenage and adult years torturing myself with the past, suffocating in the present, afraid of the future. I know now that my happiness is down to me, and only I have the power to change how my brain works. I wish I had asked for help much sooner, if I had done this years ago my life could be so different now and I am the only one to blame for that.
What angers me is that everyday you hear people saying you must talk to someone, you must tell people how you feel, don’t bottle it up. People say that they are always here for you, but when you really need them how many of those people can you really count on? I have been afraid to go to a Doctor and seek professional help. I have known that I needed to do so, but going and actually getting it done was a whole lot harder than saying it. As if your mind doesn’t overthink enough with this kind of condition. Now I’m sitting there thinking what if they don’t believe me? what if they deny me any help? what if they do diagnose me with a condition, then I am labelled with it. Having that initial professional diagnosis does scare me. I know that mental health problems are common, and I accept that I definitely have one. What I am afraid of is the stigma that is attached to it. People will think I’m crazy, they might try to take my child away from me, they may stop me from doing things in the future. Sounds silly to be thinking about the future, but a work colleague and I were reading through the terms and conditions of a skydiving company a few months back and it said you cannot participate if you have suffered from anxiety or depression. All I kept thinking was once this is on my record it will never go away and one day it may well prevent me from doing things I’ve always dreamed of doing.
It is such a scary thing to do, but now I have done it. What hurts the most is feeling like the people that you love don’t believe you. Maybe they do believe you, but they just cant understand how severe it is. I guess I cant blame them, especially if they have never suffered with a mental health condition themselves. When the one person that you have confided in , the only person that you feel comfortable enough to tell your story to tells you that you ” always use it as your escape goat” its absolutely heart breaking. Does anyone else experience this? and if so how do you deal with it? how do you not let it break you? I wish there was a way that I could show anyone who thinks that people use their mental illnesses as an escape goat or an excuse for something to see what really goes on in our heads. This is not a choice, especially when you have not yet received any professional help, any CBT or whatever treatment best suits a person. Believe me I would never take a sick day off work again if it meant I never had to suffer with this pain. I would give up chocolates and cake, travelling, money, any nice things. I would give up anything but the people I love to stop me feeling this way. It both angers and saddens me that people think that I choose to be like this or that I am using it for anything. I am just trying to explain how it affects me, the things it makes me do and the way it makes me act. You don’t even have to understand it, you don’t have to agree with it, but to tell someone that is in a lot of pain that their illness is an “escape goat” just seems unforgiveable to me. It is there, in my head, every single day, its a part of every decision that I make and it forms a part of my reasoning for every action that I take. Am I better off just saying that I have no explanation for my actions and keeping all this to myself? or am I doing the right thing in trying to help those I am closest to understand me?
I know that it must be hard if you are supporting someone that is going through anything like this, but if you really care about them please try to make sure you are mindful of what you do say to them. There is support out there for you too. I came across this list earlier which is focused on survivors of rape and sexual abuse and I almost wish I had it attached to me when reaching out for my support.
I promised some people that I would take more time to recognise the good things in my life too, there is not a lot of good going on at the moment, so I only have one thing to highlight. Yesterday was the first day in a while that I managed to stay up all day and not feel completely worn out. I managed to walk to my sons nursery with his bike so that he could ride home, something that he loves. We also went to the park and he had great fun whizzing down the little ramps. It made me feel better, to start spending more time focusing on my beautiful child.
Until next time.