The last few days have been hard, so very hard. How can I be so up and down? My mood has been low for the last 6 weeks at least, it’s rarely even made it to neutral. But why do I have fight in me some days and others I want to give up everything?
Recently a friend of mine wasn’t in a good place, she didn’t want to accept any help from me and I remember telling her that she didn’t have to suffer alone. I said that we were all put on this earth to aid eachother one way or another, if we werent then there would only be one person on earth surely? I said whatever storm she was trying to sail through on her own, I’d sail through it with her. I’d get in her little boat and I’d help her out the other side of it. I still to this day don’t know exactly what she was struggling with, but I didn’t need to know I just needed to be there for her, to never give up. To be something concrete, when everything inside her could not stand still. I hope now that I was there for her enough and that she never felt like I’d leave her in her time of need.
I think about all the things that I have been through that have made me feel the way that I do. People tell me that it’s not my fault, that I can’t let people that have done wrong ruin the rest of my life for me. I would be lying if I said that I don’t recognize that, because to some extent I do. When I’m having a stronger day, when I feel like my life should have value I want to choose to beat these feelings. I want to be happy and successful, I want to be able to be comfortable enough in my own life to be able to give those people the fingers and say haha, you tried to take me down but look at me now. Unfortunately that does not provide me with the motivation that I need, with the strength to actually get to that point, so I need to find another way to do so. I know that ultimately it is down to me to change the way that I view the world, to make myself better.
However, I can’t help but feel like I need someone there to help me through it. I feel as though it took people to break me, and it’s going to take people to make me again. If people can take away my ability to trust, my ability to see my self-worth, make my world a hostile place. Surely it’s only logical for it to balance, and for good people to help build my trust, help me see my worth, and help me my world as a happy friendly place. I didn’t take this all away on my own so why do I have to build it back on my own. Why is that fair? If anything it is adding to the way I feel. If nobody loves me enough to hold my hand every step of the way, to not give up on me then surely what I’m feeling is true? That is feeding it all. Everytime that someone says they will be there for me but they’re not, everytime someone promises me something and breaks it, everytime I feel like someone doesn’t believe in me. I only know love from my perspective of what I feel for those I love. Id never give up on any of them, I’d never put my needs first, I’d help them no matter what or how. Surely if I’m not getting the same in return then I am not loved? And I am not loved because I’m not worthy of being loved. What is the point in living if I am not loved, it’s okay to say that it’s only loving yourself that matters. It’s okay to say that I should only rely on myself for my happiness. But I am not alone in the world, why should I have to do everything on my own and become an outcast from society so that people don’t hurt me, because people won’t help to make me better. Why should I give love and care to others, to not receive it in return. Why should I live if I cannot give or receive love? That is all I want to do, that is all that I feel my purpose is. I don’t want to make money, I don’t want to step foot in every country, I don’t want to go to fancy balls. I just want to love and to be loved, and I see no point in life without that.
Until next time.