Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
I am just a girl, just your ordinary girl as it may seem to the outside world. 21 years old, with the world at my feet and opportunities arising everyday. If I was to choose one comment from others that would best describe me it would be this ‘you’ve got your head screwed on’. The amount of times I have heard that, that must be what many see. Oh, the irony, as each day that passes I feel as though my head gets looser and looser. Or maybe I am making it looser because my head carries so much that I no longer want it on my shoulders. It is too heavy, it suffocates me. Those who judge me by my cover see what I want them to see, they see who I want to be. But those who come far enough into my life to start reading the book, begin to see the real me. There is only so far you can come in to my life before I struggle to hide my feelings from you.
I guess that’s why I am here today, why I am beginning to share my story with the world. Perhaps I am seeking acceptance, people who have been through a similar journey and can relate to how I feel. Perhaps I want to be that acceptance for someone else, who is at the stage where they feel like no-one will understand them. Perhaps I want people to read my story and better understand what it is that a loved one is going through, because it must be hard to understand someone else’s pain if you have never experienced a pain like it. There needs not only be one reason for me starting this page, but I truly hope that it can benefit many people.
Let me begin with the most recent turn of events. The weekend just passed my boyfriend took me to Paris, we stayed in a beautiful hotel where he arranged for champagne and a birthday message to be waiting in the room for me. I have never been treated so well by a man before. It was like one of those moments you see in movies or Instagram posts and think, ‘ I wish someone would do that for me’. There I was, with something I had wished for so many times prior to this, and I finally had it, right in front of me. But I didn’t appreciate that moment, like I had always dreamed that I would. There was something bigger inside me weighing me down, stopping me from that one special moment that we both deserved to have and both deserved to cherish. It had been building inside me for a long time, years in fact. But it fluctuates, its like a heart beat, constantly up and down. You can go a short period of time managing it, putting it aside and dealing with it later. Sometimes, you cant manage it at all and you have a break down, no matter where you are, who your with, you just cant physically take what is going on in your head anymore and it all flows out. That’s what happened to me in Paris, I knew for weeks that I was on the verge of a big mental breakdown. I love travelling, I should have been so excited, I should have been in my element, but I was not. I was in such a dark place that even something so great was not enough to lift my mood. He wanted to see my bouncing around like a child, smiling non stop, enjoying everything right there that I had in that moment. I wish I did. I really wish that I had appreciated that time away, and all of the effort that he had made for me but I couldn’t. Things were so bad inside my head that I was suffocating even then. I had known for weeks now that I needed professional help, but its an easy thing to say that you want it, but going to get it is scary and I put it off for too long.
After this heart-breaking experience, no doubt for the both of us, I reached breaking point. I went to work and I broke down, I knew I had to go home and that it was finally time to make the first step. For the first time ever, I broke down to my parents, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Admitting to them how I often don’t want to live anymore, how I feel worthless, how I feel like the whole world is against me. There are hundreds of little contributing factors to the way I feel, but it all started with childhood abuse. I have now been to the doctor, I have got some time off work to try and recover slightly before resuming normal day to day life. Shortly the process of the referral will kick in, I will be psychologically assessed and I hope that will bring me the help that I need. It may be too late to save my relationship, but there is still time to save my life.
Until next time.