Always searching for the truth…

This morning I woke with slightly more energy than I have had over the past few days.

I think partly due to my last post, where I got things off my chest that I have been keeping to myself for a very long time. But also, the nightmares have stopped, for now, at least. Over the last month I have had nightmares every night and I have woke up feeling sad, scared and suffocated by the bad I have seen in my sleep. Mostly surrounding my boyfriend, well, my ex-boyfriend now, and it pains me to say that. My sleep is not good at the moment, I wake every two hours at least, but each time I dream and each time it is about him. He is the first and last thing on my mind every time I wake, only now am I dreaming about the good things. I woke up this morning after dreaming that I took him to my birthplace, something I have been waiting to do and we were happy, like I always wanted us to be. Maybe I feel lighter this morning because my brain is finally allowing me to see him in a good light and I suppose that’s because now that he is no longer mine he is not a threat to me. I like seeing all of the things we could have done, the relationship that I deserve. But I know that these events will only ever occur in my dreams and they are now so far from reality that they will never return. Even now writing this post I look down at my cuts and blisters from the silly heels I wore for our evening out in Paris and I would give anything to go back and change things. I wish I had the strength to not let this illness push away the only person that I love, and I fear that I will never love again.

Back to the abuse.

There is another thing that only those who have access to the files at the police station will know about my abuse. The case never went to court, there was not enough evidence, but there should have been. It was my word against his, and his word won. But there were three words that made up a part of the story, and only mine was true. There was another person involved. This boy was not much older than myself, still a child and probably never before exposed to sexual activities before that day either. I never blamed him, and now that I am old enough to look at it with an educated brain I understand that it would be classed as abuse to him to. Me being the abuser, only not by choice. They were best friends, the two boys. As the older one taught me what to do, and how to please him, he also made me please his friend. I don’t think the younger boy ever wanted that, or maybe he was curious and he did, either way, like myself he was afraid to say no. Nobody would say no to him, that’s the kind of power these people have. I guess that’s why he denied everything in his interviews, he denied any knowledge. Maybe because he feared he would get in trouble for partaking in the activities, maybe he was just trying to protect his friend. Maybe he was threatened by him, I will never know. It must have been a daunting experience for him too being caught up in something like that at such a young age. I still don’t blame him but I do wonder if he carries guilt in his heart to this day knowing that he didn’t tell the truth. His lie cost me my justice. I never have had any justice for what happened, I never had any closure and I accept that I never will.

We three people are the only people that know the truth, but the rest of the world only have what they know from it to judge by. I spoke up, and nothing became of it. I cannot explain how powerless that makes me feel. It has affected me in my adult life in so many ways. My ex-boyfriend and I used to have many disagreements about things, silly little things. Most recently we were having a debate about what would happen if you fell from an aeroplane. They should have just been normal educated discussions but I also took it a step too far and started to wind him up. I was never able to just drop it. I always want my point in an argument to be understood, I want to be listened to and agreed with and I wont stop going until I get that. I tried to explain it to him once before, that I feel as though because I wasn’t listened to before I want it more than ever now. Its funny how the brain works, because I’m not the same in every situation. Sometimes I say nothing at all, I am too afraid to speak up about something or voice my opinion because I have that belief in my brain that my words mean nothing anyway so its pointless using the energy to express it.

Similarly, the younger boys lie has haunted me. I always say that I want people to tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts, because my brain cannot deal with not knowing. I will waste so much energy, and suffocate my brain trying to find the truth myself, trying to come up with the answers. As many of you who suffer from this will know, your brain comes up with the worst case scenario and sticks it there, and doesn’t let you believe anything else. It also causes you to predict worst case scenarios for future matters that haven’t even occurred yet and the sad part is you end up pushing people to do the very things your afraid of.  This is where I have gone wrong in my last relationship, I feel like I am constantly being lied too and the truth is always hidden from me. That is something that I need to learn how to control if I ever want to get by in life. Any relationship, whether its intimate, a friendship or a family member. I need to learn to have more trust in people, stop searching for a truth that may not even exist. Just because these two boys lied about the truth, and the world will never know what I went through, and the instigator will never be punished doesn’t mean everyone is hiding the truth. It doesn’t mean everyone is getting away with something without being punished, and that is how I’ve been feeling. I guess that’s why I’m always searching for something, to uncover some truth that’s been hidden, so that they cant get away with it, just like he did.

I am no angel myself, and I must admit that I too in my lifetime have told lies or hidden the truth or part of it. That just makes me hate myself even more. One thing that I will give myself credit for is that If I’m ever asked about something, if I’m accused of lying or hiding something and I have, I will admit to it. And often I will just come out with things that I have hidden without anyone searching for them because the guilt is too much for me to carry.

The day that my brain stops behaving this way, stops wanting answers to everything, stops searching for things that may not even exist, I will be free. I cannot wait to experience a free mind for the first time in life since I can remember.

Until next time.

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