I keep having these nightmares, every single time I close my eyes and sleep. Each time they are different but they mean the same thing.
Last night I had a dream that I was in London, my favourite place. I witnessed accident after accident, one straight after the other. People getting hurt, people dying. I was trying to get away, not to avoid helping them but because whatever the danger was causing the accidents was still there. But I couldn’t get away from it, and I too found myself in an accident. I lay there on the street, still breathing but in pain and my body completely bartered. I think the accidents before mine were a symbol of all the bad things I have seen before now. All of the pain that I have been through. The scene was chaotic, unorganized, too many things happening at once. Just like the thoughts in my head right now. I lay awaiting help but the ambulance never came. Those that did come didn’t get round to me, I was left there. Also a reflection of how I feel now, like I’ve been desperately running to get away from the things the bad but that they’ve caught up with me, they’ve got me and I have no way out. Help is coming but it’s not coming quick enough, there are not enough people to deal with the amount of casualties.
This afternoon I had a nap and I dreamt that I was flying somewhere. This time I was not alone but I had my boy with me. The pilot said that they had to fly very low due to an engine issue. By low I mean barely above house height. It was scary and I knew something was going to go wrong. The plane ended up crashing on to a building and it was just balancing there. It turns out it had been hijacked, as had every other flight, and every service. Evil people were taking over everything in the world and the rest of us were to be done with as they pleased. The woman wouldn’t let us off of the aircraft, not one single person. It was in a dangerous position, and should it drop half of the people on the plane would die. It had been split into two sections, and me and my boy had been separated. He was in the side that was in danger of death and I was in the side of people most likely to live. I was trying to do anything possible to swap sides with him but nothing was working. I was frustrated and upset, and I felt he was much more deserving of a chance at life than me. The plane crash symbolises my constant fear that bad things are going to happen, the world take over symbolises how I always believe that the whole world is against me. The separation with my boy, that symbolises the fact that I currently feel unable to give him the life that he deserves. That I fear I will never be healthy enough to be happy enough for him. That he is better off without me.
What will I dream about tonight 😔.
Until next time.