I wanted to use this post to focus on some of the positive things that my mind has neglected over the last 9 months.
I first met my ex boyfriend at work, I was a newbie and out trainer brought him into one of our sessions to talk to us about the job. I hate to admit it, but it wasn’t love at first sight. I had never before been attracted to a guy with his appearance, I thought he was very funny, chilled out and just fun! Honestly, I thought he was too “cool” to even consider a girl like me, Mr Popular who would want Mrs Popular on his arm. I was wrong, and that at the beginning should have been enough for me to realise my worth in his eyes. After a few more weeks of being out of training and coming out onto the floor I was placed in the same team as him. We used to banter a bit, nothing that I would really consider too flirty just have a laugh and a joke. I will never forget the excitement I felt when the notification popped up on my phone to say he’d followed my Instagram. I actually burst out loud with words and I didn’t know why. Its one of the most positive memories I have of the last 12 months. I was so ridiculously happy but I didn’t even like the guy in that way, or did I? Maybe I was just overwhelmed that somebody as cool as that actually wanted to know me.
Things moved pretty quickly from there, we talked all day and all night. We told each other all of the amazing things we wanted to do with our lives and he fell in love with the girl that he saw in those first few weeks. My dreams and aspirations, my morals, the love I have for my son, and the positive energy I had about me. If only he had seen me 2 weeks before that I was feeling just as I am now, not eating, low mood, a mess. He asked me recently how I hid this side of me so well at the beginning and honestly I don’t have answer to that. I wish I could do that all day everyday, then I wouldn’t loose so many good things. I still have the same dreams and aspirations, I am still that same person I have just lost grip of that positive energy. Anyway, enough about me.
Our first date was better than anything I could have asked for. He took me out for dinner, we talked for hours, so long that we were the only ones left in the restaurant and they had to throw us out. He walked me back to my car and sat with me a little longer, we talked about other planets and aliens, the sun and the moon. We exchanged a kiss but nothing more. He was respectful, we want on a few more dates before anything sexual happened. I had never experienced actually dating before, and what a difference it made. He is the kind of guy that will hold the door open for you, he will tell you to sit down when your running around trying to ten things at once, he complains if you try to pick something up that’s heavy and says let me do that for you. He will come back with random things from the shop for you that he knows you like. He always said thank you if you did something for him, always said your food was nice if you cooked for him. I will never forget the first time we went on an outing with my son. He wanted to push the pram everywhere, he wanted to help with everything. When we met with his friends that day he spoke of my son with such excitement and pride it was almost as if he was his own. That really touched my heart and it will never leave me. He was an amazing father to my son and someday he is going to be an incredible father to one of his own. He always took me to do nice things, like the cinema or greyhound racing. My 21st birthday he really pushed the boat out, its not even about money but thoughtfulness. A trail of rose petals and 21 red roses waiting for me. That was one of the best days of my life and most certainly the best birthday I have had. Sometimes I think he’s just going to turn up at my door with a bunch of flowers, hold me tight and tell me that our love is too strong for him to walk away, but then I remember how far I have pushed him.
The most important thing for me was the way he looked into my eyes, nothing compares to his gaze locked on mine. The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. The way he held me in his arms, the sense of security and the warmth of love coming from his heart was incredible. We used to kiss all the time, we always said we couldn’t stop kissing each other, like we were just drawn to one another. Like magnets. And although I failed to see it at the time, he did very often put my thoughts and feelings first, and tried to shelter me and keep me safe. Too bad that he couldn’t protect me from my own head.
I have never really experienced a broken heart like this before.
I hope there is a way to heal it.
Until next time.