When you find the one you love

Heart break is one of the worst things we will go through in life. As humans with emotions we are built to give love and built to receive it. We need love in our lives in order to live life to the full, we can’t change that. People will go through things that you could argue are much worse than heart break, but those things are often almost completely negative. Whilst they are painful, they are not a loss. A relationship may have been toxic, but it would have had it’s beautiful moments too, and that’s why we find it so emotionally challenging. We cannot live in a world without love, so we must learn how to optimise it.

As with anything in life, we must put in the effort and hard work to achieve it. Nothing is just handed to us on a plate. As a newborn baby we only really have the ability to suckle and to cry. We learn to chew foods, to talk, to walk. We learn to become doctor’s, scientists, astronauts. Nobody just stumbles into a world, fully able to do everything. If you never learn medicine, you will never be a doctor. You may wonder how this is relatable to love and relationships? Well not only the heartbreak of loosing somebody that I loved, but also realising how low my self esteem is and how I’ve left bad past experiences basically control my mind has sent me in a new direction. One of the only things that has helped to start bringing me out of depression has been learning to understand how powerful your mind can really be if you train it to be. Learning about our minds, and our abilities in lofe has made me realise a lot about what we need to do as individuals in relationships.

Nothing in life is prefect right? We hear that saying all the time. And it’s true. Nothings perfect, but things can be great. Greatness doesn’t just hand itself to you, you have to achieve it. This applies to any relationship that you have with any person. The attraction may be instantaneous, and it may seem like you didn’t have to put in any effort to get things started with a person, which is fantastic, but let me tell you much more is required to maintain that person. No matter what you want in life, there will always be obstacles. Things will always try to stop you from achieving your goal, the environment, unfortunate events, people, often even those closest to you. In order to succeed and still reach your goal, it’s important to go through the obstacles. Don’t turn away from them and look for a different path, don’t go around them, not over them, or underneath them but go through them. You have to have the attitude of ” well I’m going to do it anyway “.

Relationships present many obstacles and always will. Just because there are obstacles, doesn’t mean you should give up, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve eachother. It just means you have to go through the obstacles, together, in order to be a great couple. Together is the key word in that last sentence. If you are going through the obstacles alone, even if you think it beneficial, like team work.. you take that one, I’ll take this one, it won’t work. If the result that you want achieve is being together, then you have to take all of the steps together, on the same path. When you find someone who is willing to take every obstacle head on with you, if you both want the same result, both want to achieve the same goal (in terms of the relationship) then don’t let them go. One of the most important things I have learned in the last week is consistency. I will not get better and stay better if I’m not consistent with the actions that I am taking to bring me away from the low mood and anxiety. Relationships are no different. If you want the relationship to work out, the love to last then you have to be consistent. I heard someone say on a speech recently, if you stop brushing your teeth and ask in a week’s time why your breath smells, it’s because you haven’t brushed your teeth. If you don’t want your breath to smell, you have to brush your teeth everyday. Do relationships get harder as time goes on or do we become less consistent? Think about the build up to one of your relationships, what did you do to impress that person, to make them want to be with you in the first place. Did you say good morning to them, and wish them a pleasant day every day? .. how long did it take before you stopped letting them know that they were on your mind first thing in the morning, and that you cared about the day they would have?… Do you feel as attractive to your partner as they made you feel at the start of your relationship, do they still tell you how nice you look? … It’s no good saying well I’ve told you before, or well you know I care. Because no, actually people don’t. Unless you consistently show your partner how much they mean to you, unless you consistently treat them like they are special to you, they won’t feel as though they are. The relationship, is slowly going from fresh and minty to stinky breath. Each of you has the choice to use the toothbrush daily, but if you choose to not to use it, you are allowing yourself to have bad breath.

The only life that you are living is yours, you are the main character of your movie, and so the world does revolve around you. You can’t be in anyone elses eyes, you can’t make anyone elses movie. So in a relationship don’t forget to consider your own actions because your looking out at everyone else. It is important to look back at yourself and make sure that you are doing things right too. Just the same way that your partner has to learn how to live with you, you need to learn how to live with them. You will each do things that upset each other, that annoy eachother, there is no doubt about that. But you must take the criticism and act on it. Make yourself better, to them, to everyone else, to yourself. You cannot expect another person to make changes to suit you, if you are not willing to make changes to suit them. At the same time you shouldn’t have to change who you are and where you want to go in life in order to suit someone else. A relationship is the idea of unity, of two becoming one, and sacrifices will need to be made on both parts for that to be achieved, it’s inevitable. You will never find a person who is just a perfect fit, because perfect doesn’t exist remember? You need to be willing to make small changes, and you also need to understand that you can’t ask too much of that person either. Otherwise that person that your trying so hard to hold on to, you will push them away.

Relationships need to have balance, their will be negatives, but they can’t outweigh the positives. Sometimes one person will be weak, and the balance may change. Person A may have to put in 80% whilst person B only puts in 20%. Let’s take grieving as an example. Person B’s mother has just passed away, which is a great loss to person B who doesn’t know how to deal with it and all aspects of Person B’s life are affected. Person A will help pick person B back up again, take some pressure or person B whilst they are struggling, show their support and care. If you are not willing to accept that sometimes in life people won’t be able to give you their all, then you probably shouldn’t be with that person. You need to love someone enough to guide them through their toughest times, and they need to love you enough to do the same.

If you already love someone, or when you find someone that you do. Keep the relationship healthy by being consistent. Talk to eachother, tell eachother what your feeling and thinking. Agree on what’s acceptable to change and what’s not. A breakdown in communication will have a devestating impact on your relationship. Don’t let them slip away and don’t push them away.

Until next time.

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